Date 8/23/03
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Parrots vs. Monkeys
Bering Sea, Alaska - A vicious sea battle took place early Tuesday morning in an attempt to answer the age-old question over which animal is the best pirate companion. Nearly 200 concerned pirates engaged in the fight after word was leaked that a parrot could "kick any monkey's ass".
"That's simply not true!" protested Black Gums, the pirate. "Monkey's are so much cooler than parrots will ever be. For starters, they don't crap on yer shoulders! They're also better pick-pockets and thieves."
"And they don't talk," added William Stanton. "Had me a parrot once, and it talked all the damn time. Couldn't shut it up. Kept asking for crackers. Do you know how bloody hard it is to find crackers in the middle of the ocean? It's not easy."
In response, the parrot-loving community fired back a barrage of verbal attacks, such as, "The only good monkey is one that fits in my cannon."
As it turned out, many of the parrot loyalists were veterans of piracy and former marauderers. "Monkeys ain't for everyone," explained a 70 year-old pirate. "Me father had a parrot. And his father had a parrot before him. I won't taint family tradition with some sort of new-fangled, modern monkey as my pet."
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As the fighting continued, various kayakers and fishermen visited the scene. A few third-party demonstrators joined the riot late in the afternoon, proclaiming their affinity towards lesser-known creatures such as the termite and horse-shoe crab.
"We just want to be heard," shouted a dolphin advocate as his eyes were pecked out by a flying parrot. Impressed by what they witnessed, all of the pirates dropped their swords and shook hands proclaiming parrot supremecy.
"I'll never doubt the fightin' abilities of a parrot again", said Black Gums. "But it would probably kick more ass if it had a monkey strapped to it's back."
All in all, it was a good lesson for the 11 remaining pirates who survived the ordeal.
TV Salty Jack Faces Life
In today's final court hearing, landlubber's beloved television and radio spokesperson, Jack Jackson (aka Salty Jack, the Safety Pirate) was given a life sentence at the maximum security keelhauling facility off the eastern coast of Pirate Island. Pronounced guilty by a hung jury, Salty Jack was originally charged on all accounts for pirate defamation.
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"The verdict doesn't come a shock to me," stated his defense lawyer at the end of the hearing. "He's been a wanted pirate ever since those atrocious commercials were made."
Mr. Jackson's crime, of course, stems from several controversial safety ads which slander pirate-like behavior. One of his most notorious assaults on the pirate world was his 2003 controversial ad campaign where he condemns drinking and boating at the same time.
"But what about our children?" demanded prosecutor Firearms McGinty in his winning closing statement. "How's a young lad supposed to become a swashbuckling pirate when hateful rubbish like this is in the media, condemning piracy?"
As the trial came to a close, Salty Jack stood up in the courtroom and shouted: "Arrr! Always remember to wear a safety vest, and put floaties on if you can't swim!" Frightened witnesses were briefly escorted out of the courtroom.
He is now found guilty on 13 accounts of anti-piracy, and 7 acts of landlubbin'. A life sentence with no parole or grog is the maximum sentencing for these acts.
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